I realize that updates on this blog have become increasingly sparse– there actually are reasons behind that.  In fact, I blame smartphones.

I think smartphones are the perfect scapegoats– for when you can’t get a gps signal and get lost, it spontaneously restarts and “I never got that text message from you”, or in this case, “I don’t really need to use a computer at home anymore, and so don’t really have much time to sit, think, and blog.”  For some reason, I think best when typing with all ten fingers– blogging is too cumbersome to do on the phone, and too many times I’ve had long comments eaten whole, and so I mostly avoid writing anything too precious.  Which equates to less writing overall.

I’ve also been involved writing elsewhere– some erotica, and lately, some horror.  For some reason, fiction is coming easier to me these days and since this blog more or less took the place of my journal, there just hasn’t been anything to write.

Anyway, all my whining aside, I’ve been thinking of something else over the last few weeks– this blog was always an outlet for frustration, anger, fear, anxiety– for those things that were bothering me as I transitioned.  As I’m nearing a point in my life where most of the physical work of transition is done, I’m starting to think the place this blog has had in my life is becoming smaller and smaller.  I have a set of fears and anxieties that are more or less constant, especially around surgery, but most of my social anxieties have become a thing of the past.  Or so I think.

This blog was always a place where I could feel understood, partly because this was my universe– gender non-conformity was (and still is) the norm here.  But now I feel less and less need to retreat from others, and I find myself coming here less and less.  I expect at some point I’ll cease coming here altogether, but that time hasn’t arrived yet.  It probably will happen, though and when it does, I’ll try to give you a heads-up.

One of the other things I’ve noticed about my own writing here is that the focus evolved– I started out writing about social activism and eventually, realizing I could only ever speak for myself, started limiting myself to those experiences.  The “Trans” category is the most used, at least recently, and that has almost always meant that I was speaking from a place of my own knowledge, my own experience.

But I’m finding I need to “identify” as trans less and less, and so need that category for my writing less and less.  I seem to be sitting in a headspace now that feels female, without necessarily being trans female.  Some of my online presences elsewhere don’t refer to this blog, or even mention that I’m trans, and some of the motivation for that, I think, can be traced to my previous post– if we’re not intimate, you don’t need to know whether I’ve had surgery, hell, whether I’m even trans in the first place.  The only time it does come up is when I’m speaking from my own experiences to a new audience, a group of people who haven’t realized that not everyone in the world reacts favorably to the word “tranny” or making fun of people that don’t identify as cisgender.

In those cases, I out myself, but that doesn’t seem to overshadow the rest of me.  If anything, because it’s such an infrequently seen part of my persona, it seems that people forget as soon as the discussion is over.  I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.

I know that I get clocked a lot more than I realize, I know that more people than I know have figured out that there’s something “up” with me, but most are too afraid to say anything.  They whisper, they talk, but for the most part now, I don’t care.  I know enough people who don’t care, either, and that generally makes up for any worry I have over not being perfect.

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